my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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