I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
