i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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