mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
