you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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