my vag is so smooth its legendary
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
