you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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