just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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