my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize