Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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