I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
