So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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