Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
