i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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