dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
