Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
