Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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