official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize