Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
