Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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