I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
