i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
