yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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