All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
