Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
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