Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
