I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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