Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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