see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
