i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
