my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
