Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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