Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Drake has all the answers
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
