Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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