So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
