My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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