Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
