Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
