i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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