I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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