Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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