This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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