we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
