Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
