nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
