My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
