I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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