I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
