Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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