She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
