Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
