I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
