You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
