We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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