What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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