for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
