I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize