The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
