You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize