I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
