i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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