You don't have asthma, your pregnant
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
