He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
