I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
