we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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