OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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