when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I didn't shave. On purpose
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
